Weight

The heaviest of burdens is simultaneously an image of life's most intense fulfillment. The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become. Conversely, the absolute absence of a burden causes man to be lighter than air, to soar into new heights, take leave of the earth and his earthly being, and become only half real, his movements as free as they are insignificant. What then shall we choose? Weight or lightness? - Milan Kundera

S left for Thailand this morning and I feel like I'm missing something. That's the only way to describe it. It's strrange not being able to communicate with him. Even when we are apart, we are constantly texting and calling each other. I miss sending him silly texts about the trivial stuff. At the moment he's been in the air for seven hours, and will be for another 10. I knew I'd miss him, but I didn't think it would be this extensive. I thought baby Z would be a distracttion. But there's no distraction from the fact that our little family is missing a major component.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being talks about choosing a life of lightness or weight. There used to be a time when I didn't know which direction I wanted my life to go. I felt truly weightless a few years ago, when I left it all behind and fit everything I needed in a backpack. Now, I am weighed down. The responsibilities, the bills, the car, the relationship, the kid. These are all welcome burdens. I feel connected.

Maybe that will change. Nothing is infinite. We are continuously reincarnating ourselves, changing directions, changing plans. But right now, in this moment, I am so grateful for this burden.

When the parents are away...

My mom is taking care of my child for a week and I am scared. Not for his safety, I'm 100% sure he's going to be in one piece when we return. I'm afraid he's going to be a whiny brat when she gives him back.
The thing is, we have been lucky and have the least fussy baby in the universe. He doesn't need constant attention, and only gets a little pouty when he's hungry. As long as this baby is well fed, he's perfect. We have been nurturing this by letting him play by himself. I put him in his exer-saucer and walk away, or sit him on the floor (propped up by his boppy so he doesn't fall over) and out his toys in front of him. We put him to bed while he's still awake and let him self-soothe, and fall asleep on his own. We take him everywhere. He's been to dinner, to happy hour at bars, he's been held by random strangers, he's even been to one of his father's rock shows. I fully understand that you can not do this with 99% of the babies out there. I am aware of how easy we have it, how lucky we are.

My mother can not leave my child alone for more than 2 minutes. She is constantly holding him. If someone else (like my dad) is holding him, she can go about 10 minutes before she takes him back. She hovers. She is constantly trying to entertain him. She puts him to sleep in her arms. No amount of reasoning with her is working. She smiles and nods, but does not follow through. So I'm worried that all the training that S and I have put in will be lost during the week we are not around him. They say that it takes 3 days to make a habit. What will seven days do?

I hope that at some point (by the second day or so) my mom will realize that she needs to shower and has to put him down. She'll realize that, right?

The hunt

I've been actively looking for a job. My timing is shitty, with the economy being what it is. No one is hiring, and the ones who are can be and are very selective. I'm not even pretending that I can come even close to the salary I was making before. Plus my resume is weird. I have been meeting with lots of recruiters, but it's all the same story. "The job market is just tough right now, but we'll let you know!"

To top it off, S is not having a good month. There was a major issue at one of his biggest clients. So, we are just watching the bills pile up, hoping that something works out for either of us.

At this point, we are putting groceries on credit cards, and its not by choice. I should be worried, and some days it gets me down. But I can't help but be happy. It's just enough to know that we have each other. My little nuclear family is healthy and safe, and at the end of the day, that's what matters to me.

I read a book, Notes on Cooking. It's not a cook book, just short bullet points giving tips and techniques. (Another happy side effect of not having disposable income: rediscovering the library.) One of the points that stuck with me: "Revel in the mundane." It was referring to the chores, like washing dishes or prepping vegetables. Doing these repetative tasks frees your mind. There isn't much thinking involved in peeling potatoes, and you can let your mind wonder.

I've started applying this line of thinking to my life outside of the kitchen as well. Life isn't always exciting or spontanous. But in those mundane moments, great things can happen.

Friendship lost

In the process of reclaiming this blog. That is, giving Baby Z his own space on the internet so that I can get back to writing about me. It's tricky right now because we're having computer issues. Stay tuned for his big blog reveal!

====================================================

I have been going though a friendship breakup. I went through the classic signs.
Denial: Just because my life is different now does not mean I can't still have the same friends! Friendships are not meant to end. Maybe we are just entering another phase of our friendship.  
Anger: Yeh, the phase where I call and call and get no response.That's really fair!
Bargaining: Maybe if I just wait it out. She'll come around.
Doubt: What did I do? What did I not do? Why won't she call?
And finally acceptance came when I finally allowed myself to be in control again. Waiting around for someone's friendship is just as bad as pining away for the captain of the football team. At some point you pull your head out of the clouds and deal with the fact that friendships, like relationships, need nurturing, and two people who are equally committed to making it work.

“This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, love to complement your life.”

Asparagus pee

I guess this is why there is no asparagus baby food sold in a jar. Pediatrician recommended that we give Z more veggies, as I've been feeding him more fruits. (This is b/c I've been making it myself, and fruits are just easier since there's no cooking involved.) So I steamed some asparagus and put it in the chopper. At first he wasn't thrilled by it, and I even had to mix the last few bites with apple sauce. But I think it was more because it was warm, and he's used to food being room temperature, because he ate up the second serving and wanted more.
And now, we know exactly when he's peed in his diaper because the smell is so, so strong. He's getting changed a lot more frequently today!