What if?

I should at this very moment be figuring out the volume of a parallelepiped using the cross product. Baby and baby daddy are staying away so that I can get my "studying" done.

Maybe all my blogging has emerged from an intense need to procrastinate whenever a deadline is looming. Ha!

I wonder constantly if the path I'm taking is the right one. I'm going to need to get into debt again. I hate debt. Unlike most Americans it seems. There's this commercial for one of those superstores. The woman is going to buy a Wii and wants to pay it by splitting the cost among several credit cards. But her friend happily informs her that there's now layaway! So, in addition to the umpteen credit card bills she most likely pays the minimum balance on every month, she's got that new layaway bill to pay. Ah, the American Dream: To buy whatever you want, whenever you want it, regardless of the escalating cost and impact on your future.

Is my path a Wii? Is it some pipe dream that's going to get me into debt and the realization that maybe I'm not cut out for this career path anyway? I think about that everytime I sit in a multivariable calculus class and the prof breezes past a topic I should already know, and in some corner of my brain do know, but haven't accessed in 10 years. I'm rusty. I think about going back to accounting, about suffering through it, because I don't want to get into debt, and because the stability of a 401K and good health insurance is what's best for me and my son right now. I wonder that maybe I'm being too selfish.

What if I fail? What if I succeed and hate it?