Wednesday, October 20, 2010


We bought TWO red Ikea end tables a while back, because for some reason we thought that what the apartment really needs is more tables. I think that I thought it and then talked S into it. We ended up having a dining room table, 2 end tables, and two coffee tables, all in our living room. We have subsequently gotten rid of one coffee table and the dining room table (and chairs). They are currently residing at my parents house. The end tables have been moved around a few times, as we have been making more and more room for the massive amount of toys that have been creeping into our lives. We realized that the end table is sized perfectly as a kid's table. So yesterday S went to Ikea and bought two red miniature chairs. And today at lunch Z sat at his very own table on his very own chair and ate a meal. It was really spectacular. Moments like these are really what make life wonderful. A year ago he couldn't lift up his head. Now he's sitting on a chair (without the aid of a 5-point harness) eating by himself, drinking water from his sippy cup.

Oh, and he's WALKING! Somehow that doesn't leave as big an impression on me as the eating thing. Perhaps because it's been a progression. He's been slowly replacing crawling with walking. A few steps there, a few steps here, and before we knew it, he's walking from one end of the apartment to the other, like he's been doing so all his life.

I have always had an irrational fear of death. Perhaps it's because I don't believe in an afterlife. Death is the End of life. And that saddens me. But I think that if I were to die tomorrow, I'd be okay with it. My life, up to this point, is everything I have ever hoped for. Sure, there are more children to bear, a career to figure out,  and a heck of a lot more roads to travel. And the rest of my life to live out. But should disaster strike, I have no regrets.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010


My son turned one this past weekend. I've started weaning him from breastfeeding, even though he's not ready. It makes me feel guilty because baby-led weaning really is best, and I feel like I'm denying him more of the immunities that come from mother's milk. But I selfishly need to get my body back to a state of normalcy. I'm going to miss the intimacy of breastfeeding, but at least I made it one year, which will hopefully give him some edge over peaky colds and diseases.

The transition to cow's milk has not been difficult, although I feel like we've taken a small step back. He drinks water from a sippy cup, but because it's not as easy to drink from one, (as opposed to a nippled bottle) he doesn't drink as much liquid. 16-24 ounces of cow's milk is recommended daily, so I've been giving him milk in a bottle. I'm hoping to transition him to a cup once he's completely weaned.

The one year mark is an important one for me. I've devoted the last year of my life to my son, and I wouldn't have it any other way. But financially, we are struggling. And it's time for me to get off my ass.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

What if?

I should at this very moment be figuring out the volume of a parallelepiped using the cross product. Baby and baby daddy are staying away so that I can get my "studying" done.

Maybe all my blogging has emerged from an intense need to procrastinate whenever a deadline is looming. Ha!

I wonder constantly if the path I'm taking is the right one. I'm going to need to get into debt again. I hate debt. Unlike most Americans it seems. There's this commercial for one of those superstores. The woman is going to buy a Wii and wants to pay it by splitting the cost among several credit cards. But her friend happily informs her that there's now layaway! So, in addition to the umpteen credit card bills she most likely pays the minimum balance on every month, she's got that new layaway bill to pay. Ah, the American Dream: To buy whatever you want, whenever you want it, regardless of the escalating cost and impact on your future.

Is my path a Wii? Is it some pipe dream that's going to get me into debt and the realization that maybe I'm not cut out for this career path anyway? I think about that everytime I sit in a multivariable calculus class and the prof breezes past a topic I should already know, and in some corner of my brain do know, but haven't accessed in 10 years. I'm rusty. I think about going back to accounting, about suffering through it, because I don't want to get into debt, and because the stability of a 401K and good health insurance is what's best for me and my son right now. I wonder that maybe I'm being too selfish.

What if I fail? What if I succeed and hate it?