Ho hum

Didn't leave the house for three days. Then got over it. Sort of. I'm still stressed, but perhaps I'm handling it better?
Medical procedure went well. They knocked me out. It was awesome.
Now it seems I've caught a stomach flu thingie. Been unable to eat much for the past three days. Being a girl who loves food, this is quite disappointing. Everything makes me want to throw up. Was able to keep down plain boiled potatoes and pasta today. That's about it.

Wondering who still reads this. Kinda hoping that no one does anymore. I haven't told anyone that I started writing here again, and after such a long hiatus it's possible that this little corner of the web is forgotten for good. Who knows if I'll keep updating regularly. Life isn't too interesting these days.

FML

When it rains it fucking pours.

I just put my boyfriend's acoustic bass on the stand only to have it fall over. It's fallen over before, and it's usually fine. But this time, this one time, the neck breaks. Not just a crack, a full break. The bass is in two pieces.

This is bad. I'm up right now on the couch feeling immense guilt for something that was an accident. It's a fitting end to a long string of unfortunate events.

I lost my wallet on Friday night. But perhaps I should go back one week.

That was when I had my annual checkup. My routine checkup didn't bring back routine results and now I have a procedure scheduled for next Saturday. I found this out on the day of an exam for one of the classes I'm currently throwing money down the drain for.

The exam didn't go well, and I spend much of last week moping around.
Oh yes, our TV also decided to go haywire. Luckily that's still under warranty and will hopefully be fixed tomorrow, a week and a half after we called the problem in.

So on Friday, I finally decided to push myself out of my slump. I needed to take drastic measures. So I cut all my hair off. It was about seven inches. It felt amazing. I decided to take all my cash and all my cards to the hair salon because I wasn't sure what I'd be doing afterward and wanted to be prepared.
The haircut felt so cathartic that I wanted to celebrate a bit. I hadn't seen my friends in a while either. So I went to happy hour where I spent a minimal amount of cash on dirty Kettle One martinis. It felt really good to be out. 

All was right with the world until I discovered on Saturday morning that I didn't come home with my wallet. I distinctly remember picking it up from the bar. I walked half a block to the car.  

I feel really irresponsible. I feel punished. I don't feel like a woman about to turn 30. I have been religously checking my bank and CC accounts online, and so far no fraudulent charges have occurred. I am hoping that the wallet finds its way back to me. I keep asking myself why I had EVERY card with me that night. ID, bank card, credit cards, library card, wholesalers club card, laundry card (Seriously, WTF??), health insurance cards, college ID.

I'm scheduled to be working on Saturday. I can't do it because of the procedure, for which I have to pay out of pocket twice the amount of money I'd be earning that day. I may also be missing work on Sunday, depending on how I feel.

Plus, Christmas presents need to be bought. I have never felt so hopeless about money. I have my days, but this, this fucking shitstorm is really taking everything out of me. And to top everything off, I just broke his bass.

Integrals and derivatives

Here's one of life's little surprises: This girl right here doesn't want the dream she thought she wanted.
Ugh, I hate writing in the third person.

I'm closing in on 30 and I feel more and more like an 18 year old everyday. Confused about life and where it's headed. It's always the same thing. What do I want to be when I grow up?
I figured I'd give the teaching thing a try. Would go to grad school for a masters in middle school math. But first, I needed a few undergrad math credits. So I took two math classes at a local college.
Well, I figured out that I don't like taking math classes. Especially advance ones with anal professors who insist that you remember all the calculus you learned way back in 2000 when you first attempted to be a math major.
On the plus side, that dream is dead. No more imagining the possibilities. I got that s*#@ out of my system.

Toddler

We bought TWO red Ikea end tables a while back, because for some reason we thought that what the apartment really needs is more tables. I think that I thought it and then talked S into it. We ended up having a dining room table, 2 end tables, and two coffee tables, all in our living room. We have subsequently gotten rid of one coffee table and the dining room table (and chairs). They are currently residing at my parents house. The end tables have been moved around a few times, as we have been making more and more room for the massive amount of toys that have been creeping into our lives. We realized that the end table is sized perfectly as a kid's table. So yesterday S went to Ikea and bought two red miniature chairs. And today at lunch Z sat at his very own table on his very own chair and ate a meal. It was really spectacular. Moments like these are really what make life wonderful. A year ago he couldn't lift up his head. Now he's sitting on a chair (without the aid of a 5-point harness) eating by himself, drinking water from his sippy cup.

Oh, and he's WALKING! Somehow that doesn't leave as big an impression on me as the eating thing. Perhaps because it's been a progression. He's been slowly replacing crawling with walking. A few steps there, a few steps here, and before we knew it, he's walking from one end of the apartment to the other, like he's been doing so all his life.

I have always had an irrational fear of death. Perhaps it's because I don't believe in an afterlife. Death is the End of life. And that saddens me. But I think that if I were to die tomorrow, I'd be okay with it. My life, up to this point, is everything I have ever hoped for. Sure, there are more children to bear, a career to figure out,  and a heck of a lot more roads to travel. And the rest of my life to live out. But should disaster strike, I have no regrets.

Milk

My son turned one this past weekend. I've started weaning him from breastfeeding, even though he's not ready. It makes me feel guilty because baby-led weaning really is best, and I feel like I'm denying him more of the immunities that come from mother's milk. But I selfishly need to get my body back to a state of normalcy. I'm going to miss the intimacy of breastfeeding, but at least I made it one year, which will hopefully give him some edge over peaky colds and diseases.

The transition to cow's milk has not been difficult, although I feel like we've taken a small step back. He drinks water from a sippy cup, but because it's not as easy to drink from one, (as opposed to a nippled bottle) he doesn't drink as much liquid. 16-24 ounces of cow's milk is recommended daily, so I've been giving him milk in a bottle. I'm hoping to transition him to a cup once he's completely weaned.

The one year mark is an important one for me. I've devoted the last year of my life to my son, and I wouldn't have it any other way. But financially, we are struggling. And it's time for me to get off my ass.

What if?

I should at this very moment be figuring out the volume of a parallelepiped using the cross product. Baby and baby daddy are staying away so that I can get my "studying" done.

Maybe all my blogging has emerged from an intense need to procrastinate whenever a deadline is looming. Ha!

I wonder constantly if the path I'm taking is the right one. I'm going to need to get into debt again. I hate debt. Unlike most Americans it seems. There's this commercial for one of those superstores. The woman is going to buy a Wii and wants to pay it by splitting the cost among several credit cards. But her friend happily informs her that there's now layaway! So, in addition to the umpteen credit card bills she most likely pays the minimum balance on every month, she's got that new layaway bill to pay. Ah, the American Dream: To buy whatever you want, whenever you want it, regardless of the escalating cost and impact on your future.

Is my path a Wii? Is it some pipe dream that's going to get me into debt and the realization that maybe I'm not cut out for this career path anyway? I think about that everytime I sit in a multivariable calculus class and the prof breezes past a topic I should already know, and in some corner of my brain do know, but haven't accessed in 10 years. I'm rusty. I think about going back to accounting, about suffering through it, because I don't want to get into debt, and because the stability of a 401K and good health insurance is what's best for me and my son right now. I wonder that maybe I'm being too selfish.

What if I fail? What if I succeed and hate it?

Done, and Done?

Done with the writing all together. Inspiration isn't there. Writing (for me at least) requires a loose grip on reality, and I'm so grounded that it's an effort to let go. Perhaps it is for this very reason that I should be writing.

Creative focus has shifted to cooking. Would consider culinary school (pastry school actually) if it didn't cost so much. And lead to a job with long hours.

Have started the school thing. Was nervous at first, but am in the groove now. Am sad about getting  back into debt. Must think of it as an investment.

An ex-coworker was killed a week ago while riding his shiny new motorcycle on the West Side Highway. He was 27. I worked with him. He was brilliant and it was an absolute tragedy. Perhaps its unfair to blame the motorcycle, but I keep thinking that if he was not on it, he'd be alive today. I think about his poor family and wonder if I can keep my own child protected forever.

Perhaps I'm not done with the writing all together. But it's not something I make the time for anymore. It's 1am on a Sunday and the house is asleep. I should be getting back to these matrix equations. They are not going to solve themselves.

Perhaps the next snippet will be in a month or two. Don't hold your breath.

Back in the USSA

S and I came back to NY this weekend and have both been really sick. S has it the worse since he's got body aches. He slept all day yesterday. Thankfully, Z hasn't caught it (yet.) I'd really hate for this first bout of sickness to be this horrible virus we brought back from Thailand. S has been staying away from him and I've been trying to have as little contact with him as possible. Luckily he's ok playing on the playmat by himself. Been washing my hands a lot. I'm breastfeeding, and hopefully the immunities will help stave off the virus.

His week with my mom and dad went very well. We were able to use Skype to video conference with them a few times, and that was great. It's amazing to me that a phone call from the US to Thailand costs more than video conferencing (free w/ our hotel's wifi connection.) Z is now sitting up all by himself, and is getting on his hands and knees. He's still wobbly and not really moving yet but it's definitely a milestone!

Thailand was damn awesome. I'll write more about my trip when my head isn't so foggy.

Short wait in Hong Kong before connecting to Bangkok. I left my baby behind. It was relatively painless. He's in good, capable hands.
I bought a manual pump to take on the trip so that I can keep up my breast milk supply. I can't save it, because of the long flight, and because we'll be moving around a lot in Thailand. It's such a waste pouring good milk down the drain. I pumped in the airplane bathroom. Felt bad b/c it took a while, and when I came out, the line was really long. Well, I had no choice. It's not like there's a pumping station on the plane.
There were several infants on board and for an instant I felt guilty for not taking Z along. That guilt went away when I heard the screams. I would not be able to handle my child screaming like that. He's better off with my overprotective mom.

Flight's boarding!

Weight

The heaviest of burdens is simultaneously an image of life's most intense fulfillment. The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become. Conversely, the absolute absence of a burden causes man to be lighter than air, to soar into new heights, take leave of the earth and his earthly being, and become only half real, his movements as free as they are insignificant. What then shall we choose? Weight or lightness? - Milan Kundera

S left for Thailand this morning and I feel like I'm missing something. That's the only way to describe it. It's strrange not being able to communicate with him. Even when we are apart, we are constantly texting and calling each other. I miss sending him silly texts about the trivial stuff. At the moment he's been in the air for seven hours, and will be for another 10. I knew I'd miss him, but I didn't think it would be this extensive. I thought baby Z would be a distracttion. But there's no distraction from the fact that our little family is missing a major component.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being talks about choosing a life of lightness or weight. There used to be a time when I didn't know which direction I wanted my life to go. I felt truly weightless a few years ago, when I left it all behind and fit everything I needed in a backpack. Now, I am weighed down. The responsibilities, the bills, the car, the relationship, the kid. These are all welcome burdens. I feel connected.

Maybe that will change. Nothing is infinite. We are continuously reincarnating ourselves, changing directions, changing plans. But right now, in this moment, I am so grateful for this burden.

When the parents are away...

My mom is taking care of my child for a week and I am scared. Not for his safety, I'm 100% sure he's going to be in one piece when we return. I'm afraid he's going to be a whiny brat when she gives him back.
The thing is, we have been lucky and have the least fussy baby in the universe. He doesn't need constant attention, and only gets a little pouty when he's hungry. As long as this baby is well fed, he's perfect. We have been nurturing this by letting him play by himself. I put him in his exer-saucer and walk away, or sit him on the floor (propped up by his boppy so he doesn't fall over) and out his toys in front of him. We put him to bed while he's still awake and let him self-soothe, and fall asleep on his own. We take him everywhere. He's been to dinner, to happy hour at bars, he's been held by random strangers, he's even been to one of his father's rock shows. I fully understand that you can not do this with 99% of the babies out there. I am aware of how easy we have it, how lucky we are.

My mother can not leave my child alone for more than 2 minutes. She is constantly holding him. If someone else (like my dad) is holding him, she can go about 10 minutes before she takes him back. She hovers. She is constantly trying to entertain him. She puts him to sleep in her arms. No amount of reasoning with her is working. She smiles and nods, but does not follow through. So I'm worried that all the training that S and I have put in will be lost during the week we are not around him. They say that it takes 3 days to make a habit. What will seven days do?

I hope that at some point (by the second day or so) my mom will realize that she needs to shower and has to put him down. She'll realize that, right?

The hunt

I've been actively looking for a job. My timing is shitty, with the economy being what it is. No one is hiring, and the ones who are can be and are very selective. I'm not even pretending that I can come even close to the salary I was making before. Plus my resume is weird. I have been meeting with lots of recruiters, but it's all the same story. "The job market is just tough right now, but we'll let you know!"

To top it off, S is not having a good month. There was a major issue at one of his biggest clients. So, we are just watching the bills pile up, hoping that something works out for either of us.

At this point, we are putting groceries on credit cards, and its not by choice. I should be worried, and some days it gets me down. But I can't help but be happy. It's just enough to know that we have each other. My little nuclear family is healthy and safe, and at the end of the day, that's what matters to me.

I read a book, Notes on Cooking. It's not a cook book, just short bullet points giving tips and techniques. (Another happy side effect of not having disposable income: rediscovering the library.) One of the points that stuck with me: "Revel in the mundane." It was referring to the chores, like washing dishes or prepping vegetables. Doing these repetative tasks frees your mind. There isn't much thinking involved in peeling potatoes, and you can let your mind wonder.

I've started applying this line of thinking to my life outside of the kitchen as well. Life isn't always exciting or spontanous. But in those mundane moments, great things can happen.

Friendship lost

In the process of reclaiming this blog. That is, giving Baby Z his own space on the internet so that I can get back to writing about me. It's tricky right now because we're having computer issues. Stay tuned for his big blog reveal!

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I have been going though a friendship breakup. I went through the classic signs.
Denial: Just because my life is different now does not mean I can't still have the same friends! Friendships are not meant to end. Maybe we are just entering another phase of our friendship.  
Anger: Yeh, the phase where I call and call and get no response.That's really fair!
Bargaining: Maybe if I just wait it out. She'll come around.
Doubt: What did I do? What did I not do? Why won't she call?
And finally acceptance came when I finally allowed myself to be in control again. Waiting around for someone's friendship is just as bad as pining away for the captain of the football team. At some point you pull your head out of the clouds and deal with the fact that friendships, like relationships, need nurturing, and two people who are equally committed to making it work.

“This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, love to complement your life.”

Asparagus pee

I guess this is why there is no asparagus baby food sold in a jar. Pediatrician recommended that we give Z more veggies, as I've been feeding him more fruits. (This is b/c I've been making it myself, and fruits are just easier since there's no cooking involved.) So I steamed some asparagus and put it in the chopper. At first he wasn't thrilled by it, and I even had to mix the last few bites with apple sauce. But I think it was more because it was warm, and he's used to food being room temperature, because he ate up the second serving and wanted more.
And now, we know exactly when he's peed in his diaper because the smell is so, so strong. He's getting changed a lot more frequently today!

Fifth month

5th month check-up today.
Weight: 16 1/2 pounds (75th percentile)
Height: 27 1/2 inches (90th percentile)

Pediatrician was impressed with his sitting and grasping skills. Afterward, we took the subway into the city and visited the two grandmothers at work. They were very pleased to be able to show off the grand-baby to their co-workers.

At the moment Z is sticking his big toe in his mouth and sucking it like a thumb. And it's the cutest thing I've ever seen.

5 months

Having a child forces you (well, me at least) to think of your own mortality. You welcome this responsibility, and want to be there to guide them through the milestones of life. I've never been a person who takes risks, but now I think even more about the dangers of life, and about how it can all come to an end. Just. Like. That. I drive more cautiously, and think quite often about worst case scenarios, no matter how remote.
So, S and I are going to Thailand in April for a friend's wedding. He leaves a few days before I do. My mom is all set (and excited) to watch Z for the week. We come back on the same flight. I naturally think about what would happen if something happened to us on the flight back.
Ah, but even that possibility is too much for me to dwell on. Although the thought of my son growing up without his parents upsets me more that the thought of me dying.
Anyway, there is a lot that goes into leaving your 6 month old child for a week. He's eating solids now, but his primary nutrition still comes from breastmilk. I have to ensure that I have pumped enough to last the seven days, and also that my supply doesn't go down from not breastfeeding for those 7 days. I plan on purchasing a manual pump and hope that I am able to pump regularly while in Thailand. I don't plan on keeping the milk, since it's probably going to go bad during the 22 hour journey back to the US. It's going to be such a waste of superb breastmilk.
I also have to mentally prepare myself for the separation. Right now, I have no clue how I'm getting on that plane without my son. (And no, bringing him wasn't a feasible possibility.) I have one month to work on the separation anxiety.
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In other news, Z is knocking those milestones right out of the park. He's a great eater, and, luckily, seems to prefer savory to sweet. He'll eat butternut squash with glee, but makes faces when I try to feed him pear. He's sitting up on his own, and interacts with his toys. He loves hitting objects with his hands. It's a joy to watch him hit the keys on his toy piano, xylophone and drums.  S's passion is music, and Z is going to play at least one instrument. At least.
Now that the weather is warmer, we have been taking more walks, particularly to the local library branches. My passion is books, and Z will have a library card as soon as he says his first word. Which will be mama. Or papa.
We are lovingly pushing our agendas on Z. If nothing else, he will be a well rounded child.

Solids!

We first tried to feed Z solids at 4 months and he just pushed it out of his mouth. We tried again 2 weeks later and he loved it! Been feeding him rice cereal mixed with breast milk and he eats it up with great satisfaction. Yum!

Early Potty Training

I wonder about following practices just because they are popular as opposed to logical. That's one of the main reasons I chose to give birth naturally, without the drugs. I can understand why this seems strange to the majority of the country, because of its popular and its been working then it must be the right way.

While I was pregnant I came across this website about elimination communication. At the time, S and I had a good laugh. On the surface it seemed that the practice was to have your infant without diapers and clean up after him. The whole idea of "sensing" when he has to go to the bathroom and getting him there in time seemed a little ridiculous.

After Z was born I came across this idea once again. This time I did more research. In the US, children are potty trained after the age of 2, and 1/3 of children are not trained by age 3. Disposable diapers are now made to accommodate children up to 125 pounds. In contrast, the rest of the world's children are trained soon after they learn how to walk. This used to be the same in the US, until a paid spokesperson for the diaper industry "recommended" that disposable diapers should be used until the child was "ready" for the potty. These days, they say it's psychologically damaging to try to train your child too early. I say, what's really damaging is having your child, who at this point is able to walk, talk, and eat by himself, in a dirty diaper. To me it seems logical that if your child is able to communicate with you, and able to sit by himself, he is able to eliminate waste. At a certain point in a child's development, you're either teaching them to go in their diapers or you are teaching them to go in a toilet. I think that waiting to potty train only benefits the diaper industry.
All this was just research until I talked to my mom. I was walking, talking, and potty trained by age 1. Her method? Taking me into the bathroom with her. She recommends starting around seven months, and I am inclined to agree.

Links are below. I really think it's worth taking a quick look.
http://www.pottytraining.com.au/early_potty_training
http://diaperfreebaby.com/

3 months and change

Well baby checkup today:

Weight: 13.5 pounds

Height: 25 inches

Got a shot in his butt.

I'm excited b/c we get to start him on solids at 4 months, starting with rice cereal. Yummy!

He's giggling and rolling over these days. Love him.