Done, and Done?

Done with the writing all together. Inspiration isn't there. Writing (for me at least) requires a loose grip on reality, and I'm so grounded that it's an effort to let go. Perhaps it is for this very reason that I should be writing.

Creative focus has shifted to cooking. Would consider culinary school (pastry school actually) if it didn't cost so much. And lead to a job with long hours.

Have started the school thing. Was nervous at first, but am in the groove now. Am sad about getting  back into debt. Must think of it as an investment.

An ex-coworker was killed a week ago while riding his shiny new motorcycle on the West Side Highway. He was 27. I worked with him. He was brilliant and it was an absolute tragedy. Perhaps its unfair to blame the motorcycle, but I keep thinking that if he was not on it, he'd be alive today. I think about his poor family and wonder if I can keep my own child protected forever.

Perhaps I'm not done with the writing all together. But it's not something I make the time for anymore. It's 1am on a Sunday and the house is asleep. I should be getting back to these matrix equations. They are not going to solve themselves.

Perhaps the next snippet will be in a month or two. Don't hold your breath.

Back in the USSA

S and I came back to NY this weekend and have both been really sick. S has it the worse since he's got body aches. He slept all day yesterday. Thankfully, Z hasn't caught it (yet.) I'd really hate for this first bout of sickness to be this horrible virus we brought back from Thailand. S has been staying away from him and I've been trying to have as little contact with him as possible. Luckily he's ok playing on the playmat by himself. Been washing my hands a lot. I'm breastfeeding, and hopefully the immunities will help stave off the virus.

His week with my mom and dad went very well. We were able to use Skype to video conference with them a few times, and that was great. It's amazing to me that a phone call from the US to Thailand costs more than video conferencing (free w/ our hotel's wifi connection.) Z is now sitting up all by himself, and is getting on his hands and knees. He's still wobbly and not really moving yet but it's definitely a milestone!

Thailand was damn awesome. I'll write more about my trip when my head isn't so foggy.

Short wait in Hong Kong before connecting to Bangkok. I left my baby behind. It was relatively painless. He's in good, capable hands.
I bought a manual pump to take on the trip so that I can keep up my breast milk supply. I can't save it, because of the long flight, and because we'll be moving around a lot in Thailand. It's such a waste pouring good milk down the drain. I pumped in the airplane bathroom. Felt bad b/c it took a while, and when I came out, the line was really long. Well, I had no choice. It's not like there's a pumping station on the plane.
There were several infants on board and for an instant I felt guilty for not taking Z along. That guilt went away when I heard the screams. I would not be able to handle my child screaming like that. He's better off with my overprotective mom.

Flight's boarding!

Weight

The heaviest of burdens is simultaneously an image of life's most intense fulfillment. The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become. Conversely, the absolute absence of a burden causes man to be lighter than air, to soar into new heights, take leave of the earth and his earthly being, and become only half real, his movements as free as they are insignificant. What then shall we choose? Weight or lightness? - Milan Kundera

S left for Thailand this morning and I feel like I'm missing something. That's the only way to describe it. It's strrange not being able to communicate with him. Even when we are apart, we are constantly texting and calling each other. I miss sending him silly texts about the trivial stuff. At the moment he's been in the air for seven hours, and will be for another 10. I knew I'd miss him, but I didn't think it would be this extensive. I thought baby Z would be a distracttion. But there's no distraction from the fact that our little family is missing a major component.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being talks about choosing a life of lightness or weight. There used to be a time when I didn't know which direction I wanted my life to go. I felt truly weightless a few years ago, when I left it all behind and fit everything I needed in a backpack. Now, I am weighed down. The responsibilities, the bills, the car, the relationship, the kid. These are all welcome burdens. I feel connected.

Maybe that will change. Nothing is infinite. We are continuously reincarnating ourselves, changing directions, changing plans. But right now, in this moment, I am so grateful for this burden.

When the parents are away...

My mom is taking care of my child for a week and I am scared. Not for his safety, I'm 100% sure he's going to be in one piece when we return. I'm afraid he's going to be a whiny brat when she gives him back.
The thing is, we have been lucky and have the least fussy baby in the universe. He doesn't need constant attention, and only gets a little pouty when he's hungry. As long as this baby is well fed, he's perfect. We have been nurturing this by letting him play by himself. I put him in his exer-saucer and walk away, or sit him on the floor (propped up by his boppy so he doesn't fall over) and out his toys in front of him. We put him to bed while he's still awake and let him self-soothe, and fall asleep on his own. We take him everywhere. He's been to dinner, to happy hour at bars, he's been held by random strangers, he's even been to one of his father's rock shows. I fully understand that you can not do this with 99% of the babies out there. I am aware of how easy we have it, how lucky we are.

My mother can not leave my child alone for more than 2 minutes. She is constantly holding him. If someone else (like my dad) is holding him, she can go about 10 minutes before she takes him back. She hovers. She is constantly trying to entertain him. She puts him to sleep in her arms. No amount of reasoning with her is working. She smiles and nods, but does not follow through. So I'm worried that all the training that S and I have put in will be lost during the week we are not around him. They say that it takes 3 days to make a habit. What will seven days do?

I hope that at some point (by the second day or so) my mom will realize that she needs to shower and has to put him down. She'll realize that, right?