2010

New Year's Resolution: Get Shit Done.

I feel like a new person every time I'm even a little bit productive. I finally, finally have a finished resume, at least if I was pursuing a job/career in the accounting field. The "Teaching/Tutoring" resume still needs works. As in, still needs to be created. Been slowly sending out the accounting resume to contacts and networks. Though I do so with a heavy hand.

The question remains the same. Did I really quit my job and career and go traipsing around the world just so that I could come right back to everything I ran away from?

No.

My sleeper

One day Z decided that he wouldn't bother his mommy during the night anymore. He decided that he would go to sleep at 10 and not wake up until the sun came up. At first I thought we'd have to train him to do such a thing. S and I read 12 hours sleep by 12 weeks old. In it they talk about taking it step by step, gradually decreasing the amount you give him at nighttime feedings, while increasing the amount of time he does between feedings. It made sense.

But before we could even try out the techniques outlined in the book, Z skipped ahead of us and started sleeping through the night with no prompting from us. At this point, all we do is put him in his crib around 10, kiss him goodnight, turn on the mobile and night light, and walk away.

And this is how it has been with everything. He's a perfectly content baby, only unhappy when he's got a dirty diaper or needs to be fed. This has allowed S and I to regain a somewhat active social life. We can take him with us anywhere, because he doesn't get fussy. He's also just as calm at his grandparents houses, so we get to leave him when we are going to have a late night out.

Bliss

I try not to be completely unreasonable. The disagreements between S and I are so few and far between (I think this was the second) that we don't even know what each other's fighting styles are. I tend to clam up. I gain a lot of perspective by writing, much more than by talking, when I can easily say things I don't mean. Usually after some time alone I'm ready to forgive or apologize. Or both.

I spent last Tuesday in the Bronx with baby Z. Came home and forgave and forgot. Co-habitational bliss once more.

Z is 8 weeks tomorrow. He's becoming more and more aware of his surroundings. He's awake for longer periods throughout the day and sleeping longer and longer at night. This morning I went to his crib at 9am and found him staring with great interest at his mobile. I turned it on and he was fascinated by the music and movement.

Yesterday I took the subway into the city solo. It was the first time in months and months. Got a haircut. Actually, chopped about 10 inches off. It was damn liberating. Am also in the process of updating my resume and starting a hardcore job hunt. It's been five years since I interviewed for a job and I'm excited. It's nice to have something else on my plate besides dirty diapers.

The post in which I air my dirty laundry

I'm a little lost. And a few things need to happen before I can find myself again.

I need to move out of this goddamn neighborhood.

I need to be closer to my friends and the people who matter to me. Because having only one person at your side day in and day out breeds resentment. I can feel it brewing underneath the surface. It comes out subtly, in conversation and actions. No one should have to be my everything.

The incident, it wasn't anything much. At the very least didn't warrant my strong reaction. But I can feel what's going on under the surface.

He did something without telling me. Because I was asleep. When I asked why he didn't wake me up, he said it was because he thought I'd stop him.

And the honest truth is, I don't know if I would have or not. I don't know if I've gone so far away from my self, the person I want to be and thought I was, that I now openly prevent others from doing the things they want to do. Have I really become that controlling?

More importantly, he sees me as that controlling. And therein lies the underlying issue.

So, moving. Because I need it to be easier to see my friends and family. I need perspective.

Also, finding a job. Becoming more financially independent. God, I need my independence back.

Life with Z

Tried a few times but I can't seem to bang out a whole blog post because I keep on going back to where I left off, talking about the delivery and everything that followed, but then the blog gets too long and I lose interest or have to interrupt myself to go tend to Z. There are quite a few entries in draft form, and they're going to stay that way because I don't edit.

So, I'm writing in bullet points. And this will probably not be in chronological order. But at least if I have to stop before I'm finished I can just finish off my bullet point and post.

Here goes:

• Z is 6 weeks old today. He's starting to cluster-feed in the evenings, and is getting fussy around this time as well. Clusterfeeding as in he constantly wants to be on the boob, and can't wait the customary 2-3 hours he normally does. At the moment he's on my chest, resting, not quite asleep, and will probably want to nurse again in another 15 minutes. I used to worry about this behavior, before I researched, before I found out that it's so common that it actually has a name. It happens in the evenings, before he goes to sleep for 5-6 hours straight. What's great is that he started sleeping for these long stretches at 4 weeks, without any training from us. We are the luckiest parents in the world.
• He's an angel. And I'm not saying that because I'm his mother. I was prepared for the worst. I was prepared for constant crying, sleepless nights, and other terrible situations that new parents go through. What I go from the first second of his life outside the womb was a calm, Zen-like baby. When they took him up to the nursery he was the only child in there who was not screaming his head off. He was also bigger than most of the babies, but that's another bullet point. In the beginning all he did was sleep, eat and poop. He only cried (and cried is a strong word, whimper/whine are probably better descriptions) when he needed to be nursed. (He also latched onto my nipple right away, and has also not had any problems being fed expressed breast milk from any bottle.)
• One of the ironic things is that I'm not a Zen mother. I constantly worried over him in the beginning. I didn't sleep the entire two days I spent in the hospital because I was way too nervous. I analyzed every detail. Everything seemed too perfect. I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I also experienced the "baby blues" during the first two weeks, which did not make things any easier. I was constantly crying about nothing. I expected the mood swings, but I also worried that it would last longer and turn into post-partum depression. Luckily, my hormones normalized after two weeks and I started feeling like myself again. I also lost 30 pounds, and was back to my pre-pregnancy weight after two weeks. Yes, I'm a lucky, lucky gal.