Reflection

I'm back to my normal self, save the nausea. The moodiness is gone. This has got to be how depression feels. When I'm out of it I reflect back and wonder why I give little things so much power, and why I get so out of control. When I'm in it though, I have little regard for anything else besides my own feelings. Everything makes me miserable.

This behavior reminds me of my mom at her worst. I've been thinking a lot about her, and I'm beginning to understand more and more her behavior and the way she is. Maybe there is hope for a relationship between us after all.

Normalcy

I get moody every Thursday and Friday.
I've become clingy.
I'm so attached to my boyfriend that it scares me.
I don't know what to do to make myself feel better. I don't know what will help.
I know the feeling will pass. It usually does. They say the second trimester is mood-free. I can't wait.

These days, I just want normalcy. He's house-sitting at a wonderful penthouse apartment in Dumbo. The plan was for me to stay there with him. I've been there since Tuesday and I hate it. I hate the lumpy bed. I hate not being able to make myself a decent meal. The owner is an architect with old world taste. He has a nice kitchen but no modern appliances. He has no non-stick pans. No kitchen utensils.

So obviously I need to go back to my apartment, where I'm comfortable, where I feel at home. It's what's best for me and peanut. I'm making myself miserable because I don't want to leave him. I don't want to sleep without him for the next ten days.

I'm a hot mess.

My Baby Daddy

I'm dreading the "Why aren't you getting married?" questions that will come from every angle. Family, co-workers, random people on the street. One part of me just wants to stick a silver band on my ring finger and avoid the questions all together. What's the difference? I'm not trying to trap him. I know he'll be there. We are building a life together, we just aren't legally bound to each other. A piece of paper won't make us but it might break us. It will create a pressure that somehow we HAVE to be together forever. I want us to be together because we want to, not for any other reason.


Things are great with us. We spend ALOT of time together. He's planning on moving into my apartment at the end of this month. We will live there for a few months then move into a bigger space. My lease isn't up until December but I live on the fifth floor of a walk-up so I'll have Dr. Pepper write a note saying that it's become medically impossible for me to walk up all those stairs. Right now the debate is over where to live. I naturally prefer Queens, because it's what I know and where all my family lives. For this same reason, he prefers Brooklyn.

Physically, I feel good. The mood swings are becoming less frequent, and I don't get nauseous anymore unless I go long periods without eating. I gained another pound, but that's probably from the red meat/carb overload this weekend.

Fatigue

I'm definitely pregnant. I have the ultrasound photo to prove it. My due date is early October. We visited the OB/GYN on Wednesday. He's great, and really made me feel at ease. Lets call him Dr. Pepper. He didn't charge for the visit, and didn't do any tests. When I go back in two weeks (when my insurance coverage begins) all the blood work and whatever else that needs to be done will be done. I've started taking prenatal vitamins and fish oil capsules.

I've gained two pounds. It's all water weight and all in my belly. And I'm tired all the time. So far, that's the most annoying part of the pregnancy. I have cancelled afterwork plans multiple times this week because I was just too tired to do anything but go home and go to sleep. I also have lame excuses for my friends since they don't know about the pregnancy as yet. They must think I'm such a flake.

I'm also still dealing with mood swings. I try to "reason" myself out of them though, telling myself that I'm not really mad/sad, that it's just a symptom. Thankfully, this passes relatively quickly.
The nausea hasn't been too bad either. To keep it at bay, I need to eat every few hours. My fridge is now stocked with lots of fruit, veggies, milk and yogurt. I get a wave of nausea when taking the vitamins in the morning, but that passes after five minutes, and I haven't yet thrown up. [knock on wood.]

My Pregnancy for Dummies book (recommended my Dr. Pepper) says that the fatigue, mood swings and nausea will go away at the second trimester. Yay! I can't wait to be less tired again!

Today I'm telling one of my closest friends. She's been away and we haven't seen each other for about a month, which is rare for us. I'm excited to see her reaction, especially since she's always warning me about the dangers of the "pull-out" method. I believe it was early January that we joked about me already being pregnant and having a Virgo baby. Hehe.

Fears

I don't quite know how to put my feelings into words. I'm so scared of losing it. It's so soon. My boyfriend and I are still trying to figure everything out. He told his mother today. She wasn't pleased. She doesn't think we are financially stable enough to have a child.
It's not perfect, but it feels right. I'm 28. He's 35. It's time. But every once in a while I wonder if we are both crazy. This is a total lifestyle change.
How will it affect our relationship? We did everything quickly. We met, and it was such an instant connection that we didn't wait the customary three days to call, or wait to see each other. From the beginning the chemistry was so palpable, that it was (almost) love at first sight.
So it makes sense that this would be fast as well. The pace of our relationship is just different from what is considered "normal."

Everything is just so new. We are not telling anyone else. Only one person (yes you!) knows about this blog. Two of my girlfriends know. His mother and his best friend know. I want to keep it that way for now.

I see a doctor next Wednesday. One of my boyfriend's client is an OB/GYN and he has agreed to see me even without insurance, and won't charge us. He said that he would take whatever insurance we get. That's a huge weight off my chest.

I just can't deal with negativity from other people right now. I just need to believe that what I'm am choosing for myself is right without other people's opinions clouding my outlook. This is why I am not telling my mother as yet. I have no idea how she will react. I don't want to deal with it right now.

I just want to be healthy. These are the most crucial months. Anything could happen.

Positively Pregnant

I went to planned parenthood today for pregnancy testing.

It was positive.

I expected it. I'm not so much in shock as I am stressing about how to get health insurance. I signed up for insurance from the Freelancers Union. That won't start until March. I guess I could wait until then to get my first exam, but I don't want to risk it. I know I got pregnant in the month of January. I'm hoping I'm just three weeks along now, but I could be five weeks, which means I'd be nine weeks by March.

I will have to pay for the first exam myself. So now I'm trying to find the right place with the right price for me. And also trying to relax.

This is good. I am ready. I have a good man by my side. Everything happens the way it's supposed to. I am going to be a mommy.

How it (could have) happened

Early on in my relationship my boyfriend and I discussed birth control methods. He had been using the "pull-out" method for 12 years and had never gotten any of his previous girlfriends pregnant. With a record like that who could argue, especially since I did not want to go back on the Pill.
I told him that this method was fine, but if I ever got pregnant, he would be a father. I am pro-choice, but I know I'd never be able to live with myself if I got pregnant and didn't keep the baby. Especially not at age 28.
I'm mentally ready for children. With my current boyfriend. That's why I didn't object. I know that if I did not want to get pregnant, I would have chosen a safer birth control method.
I realize now that I never wanted to have children with my previous boyfriend, whom I dated for four years. If ever there was a possibilities I'd get pregnant, I would get morning after pills. I took no chances.
Of course the timing is anything but ideal. I have only known my boyfriend for two months. I don't have health insurance and make too much to qualify for public health insurance. My job is ending soon.
But I have a sense that this is right, that this is how it's supposed to happen. Maybe this was where my journey meant to take me. There are no mis-steps in life.

Testing

Life is about to change drastically.

I've been dealing with eratic mood swings and irrational food cravings. I chalked it up to a severe case of PMS. Until it lasted longer than usual and my period never came.

On a whim I took a pregnancy test on Friday evening. It was the first I have ever taken. It was the kind that creates a plus sign if you are and a minus if you aren't. The first test showed a faint vertical line, but it was so faint and I had no experience with this sort of thing.

Two tests came in the box. I had plans on Saturday night that included drinking, so I decided to take the second one just to be sure. This time the plus was so prevelant that I had to sit down.

I'm going to a doctor on Wednesday to take another one. I'll know for sure at that point.

...at which point I'll either shut down this blog or have something to write about for the next 9+ months.